Thursday, January 30, 2014
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Leaping Crazies
Hi.
So I wrenched my ankle, narrowly avoided jail, and presented my guile in dazzling hi-definition last night. But more than that it was the impact to my skull that made my skeleton hurt that way it does and dislodged a pretty tight idea for a movie. READY?
"What were you doing flying through the air with your arm cocked and your jaw set anyway?!!"
Haha, I hear you, man. Don't worry I'm gonna drive this thing like I stole it. Just give me a sec, no?
I saw a clip from a sequel to that movie "300". It made me think of the original -- an entertaining but in no way dramatic account of the famous Spartan stand at Thermopylae. It was ripe with glistening abs, slavering monsters, witches, mutants, and one really big leader with a voice that was made for Allstate commercials. It was unfortunate that such an extraordinary true historical event was airbrushed, injected with comic book growth hormones, and ruthlessly stripped of its soul. The real Spartans who were depicted in the movie gave their lives to forever secure their legacy...and then they got exhumed, bent over a casting couch, and raped by a Hollywood producer and his yap dog.
So what's MY movie idea? Well, in the tradition of 300, I'm making an extraordinary film about the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor in 1941. In my movie, the Japanese ride in on dragons spitting fire balls at the helpless American base staffed by heroic but gravely outnumbered nude supermodels (male and female). The Japanese commander of the assault will be a 40-foot tall Praying Mantis like creature encrusted with jewels. While the commander of the American base will be a six-foot tall Amazon Princess with tits from here to Hiroshima! It's an historical drama in every way that matters to the pale-faced nerds who apparently run this goddamn planet. Yes you get to see the six-foot tall Amazon Princess having sex...taking a shower...jogging...and of course battling with her U.S. standard issue Sumarian Killing Sword, forged for King Conan himself (according to this one book I read). I wonder if anyone will stand in defense of the proud Americans who actually died at the battle or if the same casting couch awaits their memories as the Spartans of yore...
So how did I wrench my ankle and the rest of that stuff? Well goddamn if that wasn't the movie's fault also. Every Sword and sorcery movie for the last 10 years has depicted the hero leaping through the air with sword poised to strike the death blow. It's a move I scoffed at the first 20 times I saw it on screen. Then...after a few strong drinks...I tried it. I ran across the outdoor patio of a local gastro pub, howled, and launched myself into the air, toward history, with eyes wild and fist cocked. Hehe. You should have seen the dude's face when I crashed into a chair a good 10 feet short of my target and banged myself up pretty good. I just didn't fly as far as the guys in the movies always do. Oh, man, well here come the cops and all this crap and as I muscled my way back into a defensive posture, that tight movie idea spilled right out.
If you decide to make your mark on this world, do it like me, sailing through the air toward eternity with eyes wild, jaw clenched, and fist cocked. I'll see you on the other side...unless you're some kind of an idiot or something.
So I wrenched my ankle, narrowly avoided jail, and presented my guile in dazzling hi-definition last night. But more than that it was the impact to my skull that made my skeleton hurt that way it does and dislodged a pretty tight idea for a movie. READY?
"What were you doing flying through the air with your arm cocked and your jaw set anyway?!!"
Haha, I hear you, man. Don't worry I'm gonna drive this thing like I stole it. Just give me a sec, no?
I saw a clip from a sequel to that movie "300". It made me think of the original -- an entertaining but in no way dramatic account of the famous Spartan stand at Thermopylae. It was ripe with glistening abs, slavering monsters, witches, mutants, and one really big leader with a voice that was made for Allstate commercials. It was unfortunate that such an extraordinary true historical event was airbrushed, injected with comic book growth hormones, and ruthlessly stripped of its soul. The real Spartans who were depicted in the movie gave their lives to forever secure their legacy...and then they got exhumed, bent over a casting couch, and raped by a Hollywood producer and his yap dog.
So what's MY movie idea? Well, in the tradition of 300, I'm making an extraordinary film about the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor in 1941. In my movie, the Japanese ride in on dragons spitting fire balls at the helpless American base staffed by heroic but gravely outnumbered nude supermodels (male and female). The Japanese commander of the assault will be a 40-foot tall Praying Mantis like creature encrusted with jewels. While the commander of the American base will be a six-foot tall Amazon Princess with tits from here to Hiroshima! It's an historical drama in every way that matters to the pale-faced nerds who apparently run this goddamn planet. Yes you get to see the six-foot tall Amazon Princess having sex...taking a shower...jogging...and of course battling with her U.S. standard issue Sumarian Killing Sword, forged for King Conan himself (according to this one book I read). I wonder if anyone will stand in defense of the proud Americans who actually died at the battle or if the same casting couch awaits their memories as the Spartans of yore...
So how did I wrench my ankle and the rest of that stuff? Well goddamn if that wasn't the movie's fault also. Every Sword and sorcery movie for the last 10 years has depicted the hero leaping through the air with sword poised to strike the death blow. It's a move I scoffed at the first 20 times I saw it on screen. Then...after a few strong drinks...I tried it. I ran across the outdoor patio of a local gastro pub, howled, and launched myself into the air, toward history, with eyes wild and fist cocked. Hehe. You should have seen the dude's face when I crashed into a chair a good 10 feet short of my target and banged myself up pretty good. I just didn't fly as far as the guys in the movies always do. Oh, man, well here come the cops and all this crap and as I muscled my way back into a defensive posture, that tight movie idea spilled right out.
If you decide to make your mark on this world, do it like me, sailing through the air toward eternity with eyes wild, jaw clenched, and fist cocked. I'll see you on the other side...unless you're some kind of an idiot or something.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Canada, Canada, Canada, Canada! Hockey!
What is it with you and Canada, anyway? Welcome, neighbor! Keep your eyes peeled for more compelling crap!
5 Words & Phrases you should NEVER say!
1. "Outside the Box" (dumber than ever and gaining momentum)
2. "Iconic" (The second Michael Jackson's glove became iconic, the word revved it's engine and successfully leapt right over a giant pool of sharks...and then I hit it in the head with a shovel and buried it in my friend Matt's back yard)
3. "Empower" (Get over it, you're a woman!)
4. "Heartstorm" (Oh, man, I hear this at work, a lot)
5. "Difference Maker" (If that's what you're called, then that's what you ain't)
(BONUS) 6. "Passion." As in "Live your passion". (This is a tagline for every cereal box at Whole Foods, and unless getting diabetes is your passion, I suggest you look elsewhere for a reason to get up in the morning.)
Next Time...
More Words! And maybe another cool picture, like this one...
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