A Quick word on the Yankee Skipper...

I don't really feel like getting too deep into it, but my hundreds of millions of fans have been nagging the crap out of me on the retirement of New York Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter, so here goes. Holy shit, here comes the avalanche of praise for Jeter who "does everything right". Fine, whatever, but it's not like he's a hero or anything like that amateur football player who bravely prefers the company of men. Yeah, Jeter is a great baseball player, and has been for a long time, but his retirement quote really irked me. Read below...

"Last year was a tough one for me," Jeter wrote. "As I suffered through a bunch of injuries, I realized that some of the things that always came easily to me and were always fun had started to become a struggle. The one thing I always said to myself was that when baseball started to feel more like a job, it would be time to move forward."

Well holy shit, you mean everything wasn't "easy"? You mean everything wasn't "fun" all the time? That game you play that pays you ass-loads of cash actually feels like a job? Goddamn, Derek, IT IS TIME TO GIVE UP AND RUN!

I wonder where we would be if all Americans had that attitude during World War II..."Say, General, killin' Japs and savin' the world just ain't fun no more, see. And I always told myself that when this war stopped bein' fun and started bein' more like work, that I'd say 'good day' to the whole dad gum, thing! So here's my gun, I'll catch ya on the flip side."

Or how about our luscious ladies back home building all those tanks and ships? "You know, Belle, I been thinkin'...These 18 hour days just aren't as fun as they used to be. Maybe speaking German wouldn't be so bad. I'm putting down my blow torch and picking up a white flag!"

For the guy who does everything right, he really comes off like a fat pussy in his quote. Yes yes, I hear you already, and you're right, I would retire too if I had all that money at that age. However, I sure as hell wouldn't mock the people with real jobs who don't get thousands of dollars per second and who can't just quit when they're asked to exert some effort. I encourage Derek to think for a moment about what he actually had to do during his career to enjoy such a stellar life...and then I would command him to get down on his filthy knees, take my hand...and choke himself with it.

My Fuckit List (feat. Eminem)

Bucket lists focus way too much on the dying part of the equation for my liking. I've got an eternity to think about being dead (spoiler alert: so do you). While I'm traveling on our little rock here with earthly pleasures at my fingertips, I want to focus on the living (spoiler alert: so should you, you dummy).  And that's why, this sexy post gives the finger to the bucket list and introduces you to...The Fuckit List! 

And in keeping with my general theme of being fucking cool, I'm stealing a page from every single dung beetle modern recording artist, and randomly dumping rap verses into an otherwise engaging performance.  My guest blogger/artist for today...Eminem.

The Fuckit List

1. Use the word "hate" in a conversation.
Kids are frequently told not to use the word "hate" - it's such a strong and ugly word, they say! Damn right, it's strong, I can't think of a better reason to use it! Flaccid, non-threatening vocabulary is a great way to bore yourself straight out of the fun of the fuckit list, and into the impending doom of the bucket list. So give it a try, "I hate religion a lot. And the new guy, in accounting...I hate him too."

You hatin' me, fakin' me, rakin' me, bakin' me

Sayin' I'm a satan me!

I'm a who? I'm a what? You're ashamed of me, But I got somethin' great in me...

2. Tell someone you really don't care about their goddamn dog, and that dogs DO NOT understand you! 
Dog people have turned into these entitled idiots who complain like hell when I pass out in their lawn once a month, and then they gleefully let their dog piss and shit on every strip of grass in the neighborhood, every day. Fuck you, you're dog sucks, it's ugly, and it's dumb. When it's dead, I'll laugh and dance a jig.

Yo dog, no dog, show dog, blow dog

Relish in the house? Yap yap yap, you better get to know me, dog! 

But Slim Shady, how you saydy when you know rex can hear what you sayin'? Cause I want him to know I'm fuckin' hungry and when it comes to eatin hot dogs, slim shady ain't playin'!

3. Laugh your ass off at someone's tattoo.
"This tattoo of a naked chick impaled on barbwire reminds me to stay true to who I am." Bullshit.  I wore a rubber band on my wrist once to remind me not to act like an idiot when I got drunk. I forgot I even had it on until I crapped it out in the neighbor's yard early the next morning. 

You're just desperate for attention, that's why you have a tattoo. And having a tattoo is the least unique thing you can do besides being born. So point at a tattoo and just bust up laughing! And then, either fight or run; it's all the same, man.

Tattoo, who? You slim, what's that tatoo on you? It's my of my mom throwin' a shoe, cause I cussed when I knew...

You'll never grow up to be cool, slim, if you keep actin' like a fool! 

But I ain't dumb, I just don't like school! 

Then what you gonna do? 

I don't know, but it's gonna start with another black tattoo!

4. Cuss out your boss.

To some extent, it doesn't matter how nice your boss is, he's in a position of authority and so he tells you what to do...F him. Furthermore, bosses have a different grade scale. They're ranked not against people in general, but against other bosses. The same is true for cops. So when someone says, "Yeah, my boss is pretty cool." What it really means is, "He's one of the milder egomaniacal assholes who ever fired me." Or, in terms of cops, "Of all the heartless, heavily armed bullies I've ever encountered...the one who gave me the speeding ticket wasn't too bad." Let's face it, people like that, would simply fail completely by society's standards if they weren't graded on a generous curve.

Generally, cussing out your boss is not a spur of the moment thing. These situations fester for a long time until the urge to kick ass creeps up nose-to-nose with your obligation to feed your family.  Since you'll probably see the collision coming for quite a while, just go ahead and write some stuff down; organize your thoughts. Trust me, when the moment comes, you don't want to stammer and squirm and desperately search for something to say. Be ready with strong, angry arguments, personal attacks, and witty comebacks to every possible thing your boss might throw at you. And have an exit strategy, so he can't have the last laugh. Get out while the gettin's good. Goddamn, what a great feeling to finally win against the man! Go on, do it! Your family is fine, they ate last night...

Snoozin' Cruisin' Boozin' and Floozin'

My boss keeps askin', hey what you think you doin'?

I'm workin' real hard, man and I don't need no toolin'

Well that's just great slim, but who you think you're foolin'?

You're clickin' clickin' clickin' and on that porn you're droolin!

5.  Run through a big mall.
Think of a James Bond movie. Bond is being chased by a team of assassins through a public place...Now, put on a really nice, tailored suit with shined shoes (I'm assuming that no self-respecting women read this blog). Crease your hair to laser perfection...and sprint for your life through a big mall! You can knock over the occasional display, but don't go nuts breaking stuff, you're on the run! Dart glances over your shoulder and around corners, from behind benches...they're right behind you! RUN! up escalators, through the food court, drop and slide across the slick floor. Just DON'T STOP except to survey your next escape route! PUMP YOUR ARMS! GRIT YOUR TEETH! GASP FOR BREATH! THE WORLD IS IN THE BALANCE! RUN JAMES!

Feel free to fake an injury by holding your ribs or your arm and periodically peering under your hand to observe the damage. If you are stopped by security and questioned, just tell them you hurt yourself running really fast through the mall. And when they ask why you were running really fast through the mall, just tell them you were in a hurry.  Fill in the blank why, or don't -- feel me?

This is a really fun and liberating thing to do, because at some point, your body really believes you're being chased by killers and you get the life or death thrill without risking very much at all.  Also it really throws a wrench into the fabric of people's existence, so that's cool.

All right stop, Collaborate and listen

Slim is back with my brand new invention

Something grabs a hold of me tightly

Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly

Will it ever stop? Yo – I don't know

Turn off the lights and I'll glow

To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal

Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle.

My Fuckit list is growing faster than I can scratch things off so expect more later. Also, a big shout out to Eminem for droppin' this blog with me! Man, you real. Serious.