Thursday, February 13, 2014

A Quick word on the Yankee Skipper...

I don't really feel like getting too deep into it, but my hundreds of millions of fans have been nagging the crap out of me on the retirement of New York Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter, so here goes. Holy shit, here comes the avalanche of praise for Jeter who "does everything right". Fine, whatever, but it's not like he's a hero or anything like that amateur football player who bravely prefers the company of men. Yeah, Jeter is a great baseball player, and has been for a long time, but his retirement quote really irked me. Read below...

"Last year was a tough one for me," Jeter wrote. "As I suffered through a bunch of injuries, I realized that some of the things that always came easily to me and were always fun had started to become a struggle. The one thing I always said to myself was that when baseball started to feel more like a job, it would be time to move forward."

Well holy shit, you mean everything wasn't "easy"? You mean everything wasn't "fun" all the time? That game you play that pays you ass-loads of cash actually feels like a job? Goddamn, Derek, IT IS TIME TO GIVE UP AND RUN!

I wonder where we would be if all Americans had that attitude during World War II..."Say, General, killin' Japs and savin' the world just ain't fun no more, see. And I always told myself that when this war stopped bein' fun and started bein' more like work, that I'd say 'good day' to the whole dad gum, thing! So here's my gun, I'll catch ya on the flip side."

Or how about our luscious ladies back home building all those tanks and ships? "You know, Belle, I been thinkin'...These 18 hour days just aren't as fun as they used to be. Maybe speaking German wouldn't be so bad. I'm putting down my blow torch and picking up a white flag!"

For the guy who does everything right, he really comes off like a fat pussy in his quote. Yes yes, I hear you already, and you're right, I would retire too if I had all that money at that age. However, I sure as hell wouldn't mock the people with real jobs who don't get thousands of dollars per second and who can't just quit when they're asked to exert some effort. I encourage Derek to think for a moment about what he actually had to do during his career to enjoy such a stellar life...and then I would command him to get down on his filthy knees, take my hand...and choke himself with it.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

My Fuckit List (feat. Eminem)

Bucket lists focus way too much on the dying part of the equation for my liking. I've got an eternity to think about being dead (spoiler alert: so do you). While I'm traveling on our little rock here with earthly pleasures at my fingertips, I want to focus on the living (spoiler alert: so should you, you dummy).  And that's why, this sexy post gives the finger to the bucket list and introduces you to...The Fuckit List! 

And in keeping with my general theme of being fucking cool, I'm stealing a page from every single dung beetle modern recording artist, and randomly dumping rap verses into an otherwise engaging performance.  My guest blogger/artist for today...Eminem.

The Fuckit List

1. Use the word "hate" in a conversation.

Kids are frequently told not to use the word "hate" - it's such a strong and ugly word, they say! Damn right, it's strong, I can't think of a better reason to use it! Flaccid, non-threatening vocabulary is a great way to bore yourself straight out of the fun of the fuckit list, and into the impending doom of the bucket list. So give it a try, "I hate religion a lot. And the new guy, in accounting...I hate him too."

You hatin' me, fakin' me, rakin' me, bakin' me
Sayin' I'm a satan me!
I'm a who? I'm a what? You're ashamed of me, But I got somethin' great in me...

2. Tell someone you really don't care about their goddamn dog, and that dogs DO NOT understand you! 

Dog people have turned into these entitled idiots who complain like hell when I pass out in their lawn once a month, and then they gleefully let their dog piss and shit on every strip of grass in the neighborhood, every day. Fuck you, you're dog sucks, it's ugly, and it's dumb. When it's dead, I'll laugh and dance a jig.

Yo dog, no dog, show dog, blow dog
Relish in the house? Yap yap yap, you better get to know me, dog! 
But Slim Shady, how you saydy when you know rex can hear what you sayin'? Cause I want him to know I'm fuckin' hungry and when it comes to eatin hot dogs, slim shady ain't playin'!

3. Laugh your ass off at someone's tattoo.

"This tattoo of a naked chick impaled on barbwire reminds me to stay true to who I am." Bullshit.  I wore a rubber band on my wrist once to remind me not to act like an idiot when I got drunk. I forgot I even had it on until I crapped it out in the neighbor's yard early the next morning. 

You're just desperate for attention, that's why you have a tattoo. And having a tattoo is the least unique thing you can do besides being born. So point at a tattoo and just bust up laughing! And then, either fight or run; it's all the same, man.

Tattoo, who? You slim, what's that tatoo on you? It's my of my mom throwin' a shoe, cause I cussed when I knew...
You'll never grow up to be cool, slim, if you keep actin' like a fool! 
But I ain't dumb, I just don't like school! 
Then what you gonna do? 
I don't know, but it's gonna start with another black tattoo!

4. Cuss out your boss.
To some extent, it doesn't matter how nice your boss is, he's in a position of authority and so he tells you what to do...F him. Furthermore, bosses have a different grade scale. They're ranked not against people in general, but against other bosses. The same is true for cops. So when someone says, "Yeah, my boss is pretty cool." What it really means is, "He's one of the milder egomaniacal assholes who ever fired me." Or, in terms of cops, "Of all the heartless, heavily armed bullies I've ever encountered...the one who gave me the speeding ticket wasn't too bad." Let's face it, people like that, would simply fail completely by society's standards if they weren't graded on a generous curve.

Generally, cussing out your boss is not a spur of the moment thing. These situations fester for a long time until the urge to kick ass creeps up nose-to-nose with your obligation to feed your family.  Since you'll probably see the collision coming for quite a while, just go ahead and write some stuff down; organize your thoughts. Trust me, when the moment comes, you don't want to stammer and squirm and desperately search for something to say. Be ready with strong, angry arguments, personal attacks, and witty comebacks to every possible thing your boss might throw at you. And have an exit strategy, so he can't have the last laugh. Get out while the gettin's good. Goddamn, what a great feeling to finally win against the man! Go on, do it! Your family is fine, they ate last night...

Snoozin' Cruisin' Boozin' and Floozin'
My boss keeps askin', hey what you think you doin'?
I'm workin' real hard, man and I don't need no toolin'
Well that's just great slim, but who you think you're foolin'?
You're clickin' clickin' clickin' and on that porn you're droolin!

5.  Run through a big mall.
Think of a James Bond movie. Bond is being chased by a team of assassins through a public place...Now, put on a really nice, tailored suit with shined shoes (I'm assuming that no self-respecting women read this blog). Crease your hair to laser perfection...and sprint for your life through a big mall! You can knock over the occasional display, but don't go nuts breaking stuff, you're on the run! Dart glances over your shoulder and around corners, from behind benches...they're right behind you! RUN! up escalators, through the food court, drop and slide across the slick floor. Just DON'T STOP except to survey your next escape route! PUMP YOUR ARMS! GRIT YOUR TEETH! GASP FOR BREATH! THE WORLD IS IN THE BALANCE! RUN JAMES!

Feel free to fake an injury by holding your ribs or your arm and periodically peering under your hand to observe the damage. If you are stopped by security and questioned, just tell them you hurt yourself running really fast through the mall. And when they ask why you were running really fast through the mall, just tell them you were in a hurry.  Fill in the blank why, or don't -- feel me?

This is a really fun and liberating thing to do, because at some point, your body really believes you're being chased by killers and you get the life or death thrill without risking very much at all.  Also it really throws a wrench into the fabric of people's existence, so that's cool.

All right stop, Collaborate and listen
Slim is back with my brand new invention
Something grabs a hold of me tightly
Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly
Will it ever stop? Yo – I don't know
Turn off the lights and I'll glow
To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal
Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle.

My Fuckit list is growing faster than I can scratch things off so expect more later. Also, a big shout out to Eminem for droppin' this blog with me! Man, you real. Serious.

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Leaping Crazies


So I wrenched my ankle, narrowly avoided jail, and presented my guile in dazzling hi-definition last night. But more than that it was the impact to my skull that made my skeleton hurt that way it does and dislodged a pretty tight idea for a movie. READY?

"What were you doing flying through the air with your arm cocked and your jaw set anyway?!!"

Haha, I hear you, man. Don't worry I'm gonna drive this thing like I stole it. Just give me a sec, no?

I saw a clip from a sequel to that movie "300". It made me think of the original -- an entertaining but in no way dramatic account of the famous Spartan stand at Thermopylae. It was ripe with glistening abs, slavering monsters, witches, mutants, and one really big leader with a voice that was made for Allstate commercials. It was unfortunate that such an extraordinary true historical event was airbrushed, injected with comic book growth hormones, and ruthlessly stripped of its soul. The real Spartans who were depicted in the movie gave their lives to forever secure their legacy...and then they got exhumed, bent over a casting couch, and raped by a Hollywood producer and his yap dog.

So what's MY movie idea? Well, in the tradition of 300, I'm making an extraordinary film about the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor in 1941. In my movie, the Japanese ride in on dragons spitting fire balls at the helpless American base staffed by heroic but gravely outnumbered nude supermodels (male and female). The Japanese commander of the assault will be a 40-foot tall Praying Mantis like creature encrusted with jewels.  While the commander of the American base will be a six-foot tall Amazon Princess with tits from here to Hiroshima! It's an historical drama in every way that matters to the pale-faced nerds who apparently run this goddamn planet.  Yes you get to see the six-foot tall Amazon Princess having sex...taking a shower...jogging...and of course battling with her U.S. standard issue Sumarian Killing Sword, forged for King Conan himself (according to this one book I read).  I wonder if anyone will stand in defense of the proud Americans who actually died at the battle or if the same casting couch awaits their memories as the Spartans of yore...

So how did I wrench my ankle and the rest of that stuff? Well goddamn if that wasn't the movie's fault also. Every Sword and sorcery movie for the last 10 years has depicted the hero leaping through the air with sword poised to strike the death blow. It's a move I scoffed at the first 20 times I saw it on screen. Then...after a few strong drinks...I tried it.  I ran across the outdoor patio of a local gastro pub, howled, and launched myself into the air, toward history, with eyes wild and fist cocked. Hehe. You should have seen the dude's face when I crashed into a chair a good 10 feet short of my target and banged myself up pretty good. I just didn't fly as far as the guys in the movies always do. Oh, man, well here come the cops and all this crap and as I muscled my way back into a defensive posture, that tight movie idea spilled right out.

If you decide to make your mark on this world, do it like me, sailing through the air toward eternity with eyes wild, jaw clenched, and fist cocked. I'll see you on the other side...unless you're some kind of an idiot or something.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Canada, Canada, Canada, Canada! Hockey!

What is it with you and Canada, anyway? Welcome, neighbor! Keep your eyes peeled for more compelling crap!

5 Words & Phrases you should NEVER say!

1. "Outside the Box" (dumber than ever and gaining momentum)

2. "Iconic" (The second Michael Jackson's glove became iconic, the word revved it's engine and successfully leapt right over a giant pool of sharks...and then I hit it in the head with a shovel and buried it in my friend Matt's back yard)

3. "Empower" (Get over it, you're a woman!)

4. "Heartstorm" (Oh, man, I hear this at work, a lot)

5. "Difference Maker" (If that's what you're called, then that's what you ain't)

(BONUS) 6. "Passion."  As in "Live your passion". (This is a tagline for every cereal box at Whole Foods, and unless getting diabetes is your passion, I suggest you look elsewhere for a reason to get up in the morning.)

Next Time...
More Words! And maybe another cool picture, like this one...